Are You Okay?
A simple guide to life's greatest, yet simplest mystery. Why are we not okay?
Siddhartha Gautama, aka The Buddha reduced all life’s miseries, heartbreaks, tragedies, and suffering to one simple cause: Desire. In this essay I attempt to interpret that for modern westerners, and to show that pursuing ‘okayness’ is not the innocuous endeavor we might think it is. Being okay is our personal attempt to escape suffering, or what Buddha in the four noble truths referred to as dukkha.
Problems accompany our pursuit of ‘okayness’ The first is that nothing is forever.
There’s one condition that drives our behavior, we’re not okay. We try to fix this every day of our lives, several times a day, by making choices based on the statement, ‘I’m not okay.’ We lean on what others think of us, how we look, what we wear, the words we use, the people we interact with, the car we drive, the way our spouses and kids behave. The underlying narrative is this, ‘if I look this way, wear this tie, speak well, have the right friends, drive a good car, feel proud of my wife/husband/partner and kids, if I’m respected at work, and get the corner office…Then I’ll be okay.’
That’s the definition of a conditional life. If this happens, then I’ll be okay. But what’s the last time you got what you wanted…then wanted nothing else ever again? Never happened, right? This hamster wheel of desire is the reason for our suffering.
The great masters said the way to enlightenment is easy for those who have no desires. This is a difficult concept for us westerners, immersed as we are in a capitalistic, hyper-acquisitive society. We’re taught to choose that which makes us happy, that which makes us okay. We’re assured we’ll achieve happiness through our profession, clothes, vehicles, sports teams, friends, schools, spouses, number of children etc. We’re socialized to maintain the paradigm that defines us, and will lead to our satisfaction. These choices drive the bus in western society.
The problem is that this society confronts with more choices and options than any other in human history, and also taught us to aspire to the transient and ephemeral. Do you know someone who’s followed the same profession all their lives? Lived in the same house? Stayed married to the same partner? Had the same friends? If you said no, you’re not alone. Between ages 18 & 45 the average American moves six times. That’s every 4.5 years. That same American holds, on average, 12 jobs during their working career. Those moves and career shifts are based on more money, better location, more access, higher status, a coveted corner office, you name it. The simplest explanation for this carrot-on-a-stick existence is that we’re not okay, but those new and different items will banish our endless pursuit of okayness once and for all.
At some point in our lives, with all the unrest about choices, homes, careers, friends, status etc., and the restlessness that drives all that change, it might be good to change the question itself. Why are we not okay in the first place? We’ll never be okay until we understand that those externals — the new house, new car, friends, career, status, clothes, vacations, locations etc. — will never make us okay. Only by fixing our inside will we ever be okay. Externals cannot and will not do that for us. It is impossible.
What’s the solution? Assimilating into your thinking the consciousness that defines you, not the ‘stuff’ outside of you is a great first step. Acknowledging that you’re not your thoughts, emotions, titles, positions, credentials, accomplishments etc., that instead you’re the witness of all those things, is a great second step. Think of it this way: You’re sitting in a theater munching popcorn, watching a movie that is your life. You’re not the movie!
Like your life, the movie changes and alters its scenery, cast of characters, plot points, musical score, and narrative arc throughout its two hour run, or in whatever span of years you’re granted. You’re the one watching the movie. You are not the movie.
What does this have to do with being okay? When you realize you’re simply watching life go by, perhaps amused and/or frustrated with it, your desires and preferences will take their rightful place. They’re just things that happened during the movie. Events that come into your senses that cause discomfort — past hurts, disappointments, insults, even benefits lose their impact. Do you notice the white lines on the highway as you drive by? No. You see them flashing past your car, but you immediately forget them, right? Trees, birds, other vehicles, none of them imbed themselves into your consciousness. The number of things we notice is infinitesimally small compared to the hundreds of billions of things happening at any moment. And we — all of us — decide to embrace the negatives? Why? And then we wonder why we’re not okay? Hello!
You shouldn’t spend your life striving toward a higher plane; you’re already on that higher plane. Stop leaving! You’re the highest form of creation. The preferences, desires, disappointments, and white lines of your life just distract you, pulling your consciousness down to a human level, tugging you into that ever-changing, nonstop movie and away from ‘who you really are’. Embracing that movie is like constantly pressing your ‘not okay’ button.
Here’s an alternative: Start each day assuming you’re already okay, and you’re halfway to actually being okay. Do this exercise. When the morning alarm jingles you awake, sit up in bed, stretch your arms wide, and say “I’M BACK! Then make a conscious decision to find beauty, joy, contentment, and fun in every second of the new day. Every day you do this you’ll be closer to being okay. Thanks for reading.
Thanks for reading, Jeff, I appreciate it. I'm a work in progress, of course, but the more I read/study/think about our consciousness the more sense it makes that we're not our thoughts & emotions. Those things change with the breeze. Thanks again.
What a thoughtful exploration of Buddha's teachings on desire and suffering translated for our modern context, Byron. Your essay beautifully captures how our endless pursuit of external validation and material possessions keeps us trapped in a cycle of "not-okayness," and I found your metaphor of life as a movie we're watching particularly illuminating. The reminder that our true self is the witness to life's events rather than the events themselves is both profound and practical—a perspective that can help us break free from the hamster wheel of desire that keeps us from experiencing genuine contentment. Thank you for sharing this wisdom, my friend!